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2010
The Shouldn’ts, the Impossibles, the Won’ts
It began with a corny joke I couldn’t resist sending on Friday afternoon. Well, it began in December, with a smart and funny reply to an ad I posted on Craigslist. Or maybe it began when he took my hand on our first date and electricity shot up my arm. But the most recent time it began, following the most recent time it ended, was with a corny joke on Friday.
No promises were made; if I’m honest I don’t think any ever will be. But then, I never thought I would agree to be in an open relationship, either, and I just did. Depending on how far back you want to go, I never thought I’d be 35 and childless and single. I never imagined a lot of things that have come to pass, but pass they have.
It could be argued that I’m betraying myself by agreeing to settle for less than what I really want, or even that I’m participating in a broader disservice done to women everywhere by accepting less than I’m worth. But in a way, perhaps, I’m taking life on its own terms. No fairy tale happy endings are guaranteed. I never thought I’d make it this long without once being totally in love with someone who was in love with me, but here I am. And what I have found is something imperfect but beautiful, and I’m holding on to it while I can. I’m holding on to him, because the hours that we spend together are so much better than the hours that we spend apart. If that’s not the smart choice, if I’m betraying some tenet of intelligent dating and sound mental health by accepting terms that are not my own, well, so be it.
I want someone I can call in the middle of the night, who will be there for me. I want someone who knows and understands my intimate hopes and the secret, fragile things I wish for. I want someone to be my safe haven, the place I can go where I am only me, without fear. Many people never find those things, but I have. The fact that they are not all bound up in one person, and that he’s not that someone, doesn’t cheapen the fact that I can lay claim to them. My friends, my chosen family, give me more love than most people ever get and and have stood the test of time. What I don’t have, what I find in the hours we are together, is a respite. We nap, and whisper, skin on fire, and it doesn’t have to be any more difficult than that sometimes.
He put a gift-wrapped package on the table as soon as I saw him. Something small, a sweet reminder of a promise he made months ago and never discussed again. An idiot grin bloomed on my face, even as a voice in my head chided Don’t be so easy. Even after, in the car on the way from the restaurant back to his place, I had a moment where I thought I should not be doing this. This is not where I belong. But when we got there, just like always, it was.
“I want someone to be my safe haven, the place I can go where I am only me, without fear.”
We all do. Take it where you find it, while you can.
I plan to, for now. Thanks.
I could have written this. I read it and thought, “Ahhhh, it’s not just me.” Sometimes it’s nice to know that your story is someone else’s as well. Thank you.
[...] Your stupid open relationship is the laughingstock of your entire reproductive system. Have some self-respect, for the love of [...]
I have so so so so so been in your shoes- and by that I don’t mean back in the web of whoever it is I am abandoning my personal values for at the moment- I mean justifying actions I know are wrong with some kind of convoluted excuse about how this makes me happy in the moment, or the happy times outweigh the unhappy, or how I don’t really want what I think I want. For the first time in 30 years, I managed to get rid of yet another unrequited relationship that kind of felt requited except they aren’t really willing to give me what I want and I am convincing myself that I don’t really want what I want. And it feels damn good. For the first time I am not justifying anything to anyone…I am telling stories of standing up for what I want and sticking with it. It is so nice not to make excuses for myself and get mad in the middle of the night because I am being “That Dumb Girl” and then forgetting in the morning what made me so mad and continuing on in my path of self-valuing destruction. You can do it too- it’s definitely the harder thing to do…but no one, not even you, will give someone as much as they ask for if they are willing to settle for less. I mean, would you pay $100 for a great pair of jeans when someone is willing to give it to you for $5? Anyway, I say this after spending two years on someone who couldn’t make up his mind and feeling that our love was so unique that if I just kept giving him what he wanted, I’d get what I want. We haven’t talked consistently in over 3 months, I finally broke the cycle- but it was on my terms and when I was ready- so yours will be too. He still contacts me from time to time- reaches out just when I think I’m moving on- but I check- will you give me what I want now? He says no…I say goodbye. No more waiting around and hoping that answer will change if I don’t ask the question directly…it’s empowering- and I say that in the least feminist-I-am-woman-hear-me-roar-ridiculous-catchphrase way. I’ll get off my soapbox now, because I know I never listened to this kind of preaching until I was ready- but I figured I’d give it a shot! Love your blog, by the way…I feel like your experiences are eerily the same as my own
Well, that last comment is kind of like getting advice from myself (and not just because we have the same name). I think I just need to let this thing run its course, whatever that course may be. It gets a little less painful each time it “ends”, so maybe by the time I’m ready it won’t hurt at all! That’s today’s theory, at least.
Thanks for stopping by!
[...] I am a 35-year-old single woman. Until October of 2009, I hadn’t been on a date for over six years. Now, I’ve been dating a guy for ten months. He is recently divorced and pretty emotionally damaged from it. I think I love him, but he treats me like I barely exist most of the time. In all of these months, I have never met anyone in his life, no friends, no family, and that includes his kids. He has never told me he loves me…I don’t think he’s ever even told me he liked me. He rarely spends the night. We’ve broken up twice over his refusal to stop seeing other people, but I always miss him so much that I pull things back together. [...]